Boundaries do more than keep people out. They help us recognize what is ours, honor our capacity, and remain in honest relationship with ourselves and others.
Inspired by The Embodied Yes & No, a Growth Labs session facilitated by Ariel Jaillett, MFT, RYT.
When you hear the word boundary, what do you imagine?
For many of us, the first image is a wall: a firm line dividing this side from that side, what is allowed from what is not. Sometimes we need that kind of protection. A wall can offer safety when a relationship or situation does not feel safe enough for openness.
But a boundary can also be a door. A door can close, open, or remain partially open. It allows choice, discernment, and movement.
A boundary can even be a bridge—something that honors the space between two people while still making connection possible.
This is one of the central invitations of embodied boundary work: to consider that boundaries do not have to lead directly to disconnection. When rooted in awareness and responsibility, they can support more genuine relationships. They help us show others where we stand, how we can participate, and what we need in order to remain present.
A Boundary Is Not a Tool for Controlling Someone Else
Boundaries are sometimes expressed as instructions for another person:
“You can’t call me after 9:00.”
That sentence may communicate a real need, but it places responsibility for the boundary on someone else. An embodied boundary brings the focus back to what is within our own control:
“If I receive a call after 9:00, I’ll respond the following day.”
The distinction is subtle but important. We cannot control another person’s choices. We can decide how we will care for our time, energy, body, and well-being in response.
A boundary is not simply a demand that someone else behave differently. It is an expression of how we will honor what matters to us.
Boundaries Live on Many Levels
Some boundaries are easy to see. Others are felt long before we have language for them.
Physical boundaries
Who has access to your body and personal space? How close does someone come before you notice a desire to move nearer—or farther away?
Time and capacity
Do you genuinely have room for what you are being asked to do? Does this commitment fit your available time and energy, or are you saying yes because you fear disappointing someone?
Mental boundaries
Can you remain connected to your own beliefs, priorities, and perspective when another person disagrees? Does the relationship allow room for respectful difference?
Emotional boundaries
Can you recognize which feelings belong to you and which belong to someone else? You can offer compassion and help another person hold something difficult without taking responsibility for resolving every emotion they experience.
The deeper boundary of self
Beneath these layers is an intuitive sense of who we are: the quiet inner knowing that helps us recognize what feels aligned, what feels unsafe, and whether there is enough room to show up authentically.
The body often notices these boundaries before the thinking mind does. A full-bodied yes may feel spacious, warm, energized, or open. A no might arrive as tension, contraction, heaviness, stillness, or the impulse to move away. A maybe can feel like a pause—a request for more information, more time, or more contact with ourselves before responding.
There is no single “correct” sensation. The practice is learning to notice your own language.
Boundaries and the Relationship With Yourself
Many conversations about attachment focus on our earliest relationships. Those experiences matter deeply, but there is another relationship we continue building throughout adulthood: the relationship we have with ourselves.
If it was not safe to express a need, disagree, or say no in the past, staying connected may have required you to move beyond your own limits. People-pleasing, overcommitting, or becoming highly attuned to everyone else’s feelings may have been intelligent ways of preserving safety and belonging.
Over time, however, repeatedly leaving our own needs behind can weaken self-trust. We may begin to wonder:
What do I actually want?
Can I trust what I feel?
Am I allowed to change my mind?
How do I express a need without losing the relationship?
Rebuilding that trust is not about judging the ways we once protected ourselves. It is about developing a new experience: learning that we can listen inwardly, respond honestly, and remain present with ourselves even when doing so feels uncomfortable.
When a Healthy Boundary Feels Wrong
Setting a boundary can bring relief—and it can also bring guilt, fear, tension, or the urge to take it back.
These feelings do not automatically mean the boundary is harmful. Sometimes they reflect an old relational pattern being interrupted. If accommodation once helped maintain safety or closeness, choosing differently may feel unfamiliar even when it is supportive.
This is where a pause becomes meaningful. Instead of immediately reversing the boundary, you might gently ask:
Is something truly unsafe right now, or is this discomfort familiar?
Am I responsible for another person’s disappointment, or am I responsible for expressing myself respectfully?
Is this guilt offering useful information, or is it part of an old way of staying connected?
What response would protect my relationship with myself while still honoring the person in front of me?
Sometimes discomfort is a signal to reconsider. Sometimes it is simply the sensation of learning a new way to relate. Discernment helps us discover the difference.
A Gentle Practice for Sensing Your Yes, No, and Maybe
This brief practice is an invitation, not a demand. Keep your eyes open if that feels more supportive, make the movements as small as you need, and stop at any point.
1. Arrive
Notice the support beneath you. Feel your feet on the floor or your body in the chair. Let your breath settle without forcing it to change.
2. Remember a genuine yes
Recall a simple, low-stakes moment when your yes truly meant yes—an invitation you welcomed, a choice that felt aligned, or an experience you wanted to move toward.
Notice what happens in your body. You might turn your palms upward, gently nod, or let your arms reach outward. Does your breath, posture, or energy shift?
3. Remember a genuine no
Recall a low-stakes moment when you knew you did not want something. Notice any impulse to contract, create distance, turn your palms down, shake your head, or press your hands gently into the space in front of you.
There is no need to make the sensation stronger. Simply become curious about what is already present.
4. Make room for maybe
Not every answer has to arrive immediately. Notice what it feels like to say:
“I need time to think about that.”
“Let me check my capacity and get back to you.”
“I’m not ready to answer yet.”
The pause is also a boundary. It gives the body and mind time to come into conversation.
5. Listen
Place a hand on your heart, belly, or another place that feels grounding. Ask yourself:
What do I want?
What do I need?
What do I value?
What do I realistically have capacity for?
You do not have to force an answer. The practice is listening.
Both Answers Belong to You
We are often taught, directly or indirectly, that yes is generous and no is unkind. But both can be expressions of care.
A genuine yes allows us to participate wholeheartedly. A genuine no protects the conditions that make wholehearted participation possible. A thoughtful maybe honors the time sometimes needed to tell the difference.
Boundaries are not only about separation. They are about belonging to ourselves—and from that place, choosing how we want to belong with others.
Like doors and bridges, healthy boundaries can be responsive. They can make room for reciprocity, honesty, and repair. They can help us stay connected without abandoning ourselves in the process.
The work is rarely perfect. We may notice the boundary only after it has been crossed. We may say yes when we mean no, feel guilty when we speak clearly, or need to return to a conversation and try again. Each moment of noticing is part of rebuilding trust.
The invitation is not to become rigid. It is to become more deeply responsive—to the body, to the self, and to the relationships we hope to nurture.
About Growth Labs
Growth Labs is a collaborative offering from Emerge Psychotherapy & Healing and Sol Emergence. These experiential gatherings create space for learning, reflection, and embodied exploration across body, psyche, and spirit.
You can view video recordings of our past Growth Labs on our homepage and click the link below to visit the Sol Emergence events page to explore our next offering.
If questions about boundaries bring up experiences that feel difficult to navigate alone, a therapist can offer support as you explore them with greater care and context. Schedule a free intro call with Ariel Jaillett or any of our therapists through our online booking page.